Saturday, June 13, 2009

What happens after "Papa can I go to the movies?"

My oldest child is a 13 year old girl. Soon to be 14. Soon to be tied up in her room. Having been graduated from middle school on the 4th of June she is now empowered with the "but it's summer" manipulation tactic. Every day since the 4th of June has been filled with can so and so sleep over, can I go here, can I do this, can I do that. Yesterday was no exception.

8am. I wake up, bleary eyed and pissy because 13 year old has a friend over so I can't be walking around in my boxers and scratching my nuts as I love to do in the morning.
8:03am. I hear giggling coming from 13 year old's room. I knock and say. "Wow, you girls are up early. Take the dogs out."
13yo "OMG ( she actually said OMG, not the words ) it's MORNING?"
me "That's generally what the sun streaming into your window means."
13yo "WTF ( again actually said WTF, not the words ) I better get some sleep!"

8:05. I take the fucking dogs out myself.

Life, Life, Life, other kids, Life Life Life

2pm. 13yo and her friend wake up, shuffle out, grab snacks, disappear. For the next 2 hours I hear showers running, laughing etc etc.

4:02. Doorbell. Dogs going fucking batshit because some asshole rang my doorbell, I swear that I'm going to disconnect that mother fucking thing. I go to open the door and like a shot of lightening 13yo's friend darts ahead of me and leaves. Great, I didn't have to make nice with anyones parents.

4:03. I go back to my couch, get back into my pogo game.

4:04. Doorbell. Are you fucking kidding me? Did that little bitch forget something? Who rings the doorbell anyway? *Dogs going batshit again*. I open the door- a different friend of my 13yo saunters in. Oh fuck. Here we go again.

4:05. I sit back down and think to myself.. Christ, I hope that my future slut doesn't plan her men the way she plans her friends. One out the door, one in. Don't all decent girls at least plan a bath between?

Life, other kids, life, other kids, life, life, life.

13yo. Papa will you take us to the movies?
Me. Sure, I have nothing better to do with 30 bucks and 3 hours of my life.
13yo. Great, we'll be ready in 2 minutes.

8:40. I'm still sitting in the van waiting ( Yes I said van ). Out they come, looking like baby hookers. On the way there I say .. So when is the movie over? 13yo says. I don't know. Greattttt.

9pm. Home. Consulting Fandango to figure out movie end time. Starts at 9, runs 1hour 20 minutes. Mental note to be in the parking lot at 10:10 so I can catch her being bad if she's being bad.

10:10. I arrive at the movies with my 11yo riding shotgun. We park in the lot with a perfect view of the front of the theatre. Lo and behold my 13yo and her friend are already out front goofing off with what looks to be about 20 other people. So I do a mental calculation and start to wonder if my child ditched the movie and just decided to hang, in which case she is grounded AND I want my 30 bucks back.

10:11. I send her a text message
What time is it over?
10:14. Another text.
10:14. She replies

oh really? She doesn't know? That's funny because I'm watching her standing in front of the movies laughing and having fun with some boys arm around her. I fume, but continue to spy.

10:16 I text.
Is it almost over?
10:17 she replies.
Yea, almost.

wow, she's good.

10:17 I text again. Now my 11yo is laughing her ass off ( and taking notes ).
So, who are you sitting next to right now?

I should mention that my 13yo is not the sharpest crayon in the box.

10:17 she replies
uhm.. sarah and brandon?

10:17 I text
oh ok, call me as soon as it gets out.
10:17 she replies

I sit in my car and I watch my little liar and her friends start to walk away from the movies and go into the dollar store. Then I watch them come out and start goofing off in the gazebo.

10:32 I text
Man, that's a long movie, it should've been out like 30 minutes ago.
10:32 she replies
We are just walking out right now
10:33 I text
10:33 she replies
10:33 I roll out of my parking spot and go around the corner to where her and her friends are hanging- her friend sees me first and the look on her face is priceless. I should've snapped a pic of it for her dad. Then my little liar sees me and smiles big and waves like she isn't the hugest little liar in the world and gets in my car. Still completely oblivious to being so completely busted.

10:45 We get home, my little liar and her friend retire to their lair and my 11 yo says to me. "Papa why didn't you yell at her, tell her she was busted, ground her?" She looks at me- she is completely baffled.. and I say .. "babygirl, I learned a long time ago to pick my battles."


  1. *cracks up!!!* You are so F'n sly.. I would hate for you to be my Papa! You still make me twitch and look over my shoulder, as it is!

    I love that you're doing this.. it makes me grin so big. I'm looking forward to reading every post!

    Give 'B' a smack on the butt for me too!

    *kisses* Loverface.

  2. This is hysterical. I think that she has a career in politics.

  3. I honestly look forward to that age. I can handle the dishonesty and slutty dressing.

    I just happened to notice your web address.... hahahahaha!

  4. PMama- Watch your back.

    Marinka- I like your name, it's like a stripper name. No no no not politics. She needs a career that can pay for my expensive nursing home.

    otherwordlyone- I am so going to be standing over your shoulder in ten years to remind you that you said that.

  5. Oh that's fine. As long as you haven't eaten at Olive Garden recently.

  6. We must have the same child... Mine is also 13 almost 14... She also has a parade of friends in and out of our house at all times. Most days I am in a constant state of discipline trying to keep my hands off of her throat...


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