Monday, June 15, 2009

Not for the faint of heart or PETA.

So. I'm irresponsible. We can start by saying that I have 7 children- So the concept of litters is not so horrifying to me.

That said. I'm irresponsible. I'll explain.

I have 4 dogs. One shih-tzu and three chihuahua's. My shih-tzu and my female chihuahua are not spayed. I have bred the shih-tzu and gave some puppies away and sold some. It's great fun, she is from a fine line and has gorgeous babies.

* This is where I want all of you radical, shit slinging, judgemental yahoo'ers who want to call PETA on me or just post something nasty about back yard breeders to stop fucking reading.

Ok, back to 7 kids. The only vacation I can get the most bang for my buck on is a cruise. I can rent a few cabins, throw my older girls in one, keep one for myself and the babies, and a connecting room for my not toddler, not teenaged children. My oldest child is 13 and the youngest are 2 year old twins.

As most stories in my life start this one begins with .. Papa we haven't been on a cruise in like 5 months. So. I schedule a cruise to leave on the 31 of July. Everyone is happy. ( Well I'm a tight wad so I'm not really happy, but I play along )

3 days later my shih-tzu gets swollen junk and I think .. Oh great now I have to keep her away from the boy dogs, because she's in heat. So, I spend 2 weeks keeping the dogs apart- no small task, lots of crying, whining dogs, etc etc. I'm ready to pull my hair out. So one day, June 30th to be exact, I'm sitting on my couch playing pogo ( what else would I be doing ). The babies are napping, the teenager is somewhere .. 11 year old and 9 year old are in the front yard planting marigolds. I have the shih-tzu in the front half of my house and the other dogs in the back half. So my 11 year old opens the front door and yells.. Papa, come look at our flowers! So I get up ( yea, I mumbled, I'm a good Dad but not without complaint ) and go outside. I look at the flowers. They were beautiful, really. I was outside less than a minute. I come back in the house and find my 2 pound male chihuahua mating with my shih-tzu. FUCK, right? Well yea, FUCK. When I finished laughing .. I mean come on, a 2 pound dog stuck to a 5 pound dog, the mother fucker only had one leg touching the ground, it was hysterical. I might have pictures of it. Or I might not if that's too horrifying. ( There really are pictures ). Being a man, I will say that I am no less than impressed that in under a minute that little dog was able to scale a baby gate and woo my shih-tzu into giving it up. Well done, Stud! Well it took me less than 4 minutes of picture taking and cheering to do some math .. gestation period for dogs is 60 days, today is May 30th and OH FUCK .. we are leaving on a cruise on day 60. Well fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I have a few options. I can pay Phat Mama 200 dollars a day to come to Florida and dog sit- but she so kindly told me "I don't know nothing about birthing no puppies". Oh well .. Cruise canceled. Children paid off with a visit to Rue21. Boy child paid off with a visit to Game Stop. Norwegian Cruise Lines keeps 200 dollar deposit per cabin.

*AGAIN .. I warn you- If I've already offended you with my dog exploits .. STOP READING, it only gets worse.

Fast Foward to this morning.

10am. I get home from a 24 hour shift. I'm tired ( let's pretend that I didn't sleep for 8 hours of my 24 hour shift ). I walk in the door and all I hear is are my male chihuahua's whining, my kids are blissfully silent. I come in and figure out why, all sleeping- except the twins who are happy and playing. So, I let the shih-tzu and the female chihuahua out in the yard to have a piss. The dogs are all unhappy because the female chihuahua is in heat and the boys are pissy about being in their cages all the time. So while the girls are in the yard, I let the boys out of their crates and let them onto the lanai. Welllll.. Papa dumbass didn't lock the doggy door so fast as lightening my studly 2 pound chihuahua goes out the door and I swear to you, nails my female in less than 20 seconds. OH FUCK. Now, as these things go this is not the worst thing in the world. Female is 2 years old, never been bred- both dogs are healthy and have full AKC papers. What is horrible about this story is this .. *STOP READING IF YOU'RE OFFENDED. As soon as stud dog pumps into her .. she starts SCREAMING. I am not talking whining. I am not talking complaints. I am talking full on loud ass screaming- horrible keening wails. It is so bad that my teenager and my 11yo come stumbling out of the house to see what's wrong. My neighbor yelled over the fence to see if I needed help with something. It's horrible, heartbreaking and I might never recover. So I run out into the yard and skid to a stop like a baseball player on my knees ( Fucking uniform, ruined ). I gather both chihuahua's on my lap and put my face to my females and just keep repeating. .. you're ok baby, you're ok baby .. while she continues to wail. Oh my fucking GOD.. Horrible. 22 minutes later, they break apart- he flies off my lap because it's clear there will be no high five for him this time and she runs over to her water dish and drinks like she's been in the sahara. I stumble into the house to call the vet while yelling to my 13yo to put the boys in their crates.

I say to the vet. Look- I think she's hurt, I don't know what's wrong- my shih-tzu offers herself up and has never uttered a sound during mating. He chuckled at me and said to me. WOW, you think that was bad, wait and see how bad she wails in 60 days. OH FUCK. Then he goes on to tell me that she'll need a sonogram in 45 days to see how many there are, to see how big their heads are, to check her cervix. She has already had her eyes checked, her knees checked, etc ..

Ok. Long ass story short. I am irresponsible. I have two litters of puppies coming and they have already cost me $600.00. Now we are talking, 2 dog sonograms, followup care, office visits, maybe a c-section for the chihuahua .. I figure that these two litters are going to cost me around 2 grand.

Anyone want a puppy?


  1. Oh dear lord. First things first...7? Two year old twins? Holy shit. How are you not dead on your feet? One 4 year old is enough to send me into panic attacks.

    I feel your pain on the vet $$$. I wish I still worked at the vet's office sometimes... just for the discount.

    Hell no on the puppy.

  2., thanks. No puppy for me!

  3. Come on blognut! You know you want one ;)

    worldie- Yeppa 7. I'm not dead on my feet because I have an amazing nanny and a lot of wonderful family. The days are long though. I've said this to people before .. it's much harder to have one than it is to have 3 or 5 or 7.

  4. Well, I'm pretty sure I'll never test that theory.

  5. Awesome. Between you and Cowguy, I can get into this whole reading about other people birthing animals and be quite entertained.

  6. Nope, don't know nuthin bout birthin no puppies.


Leave me words. My ego loves it.