Thursday, June 25, 2009

Grace Rwaramba

This is who will get Michael Jackson's kids.

Monday, June 22, 2009

2:30am Saturday Morning

Setting: A not often enough laid man in bed half awake with a very hot 'friend' sleeping on his chest.

*vibration* .. The man rolls over, perplexed thinking that all the toys had been turned off. Oh, it's the cell phone. Quick internal dialogue about how to dislodge the woman occurs before the man reaches down to the floor to reach the phone, marginally missing a tumble off the bed. Woman stirs, man pressed the phone against the bed so the light doesn't wake sleeping hot woman.

Man .. reading message with a hrm.. "Are you awake?". Man taps out a quick reply thinking that maybe the woman is in the trunk of some kidnappers car. "Yes, you ok?" ( Yes, because this man is EXACTLY who this woman would message in such a scenario ). The reply comes. "I'm so drunk". The man now laughs out loud, causing hot woman to again stir. A quick banter goes back and forth. Woman on phone is drunk, man in bed is amused, but smiling.

drunk girl. "So, take the phone outside, I want phone sex" ( that might be a paraphrase ). The vibration and audible gasp of excitement from the man again causes hot sleeping woman to stir. The man thinking he sees one of her eyes open has a decision to make.

Tell me, followers and friends ..

Does the man go outside with some hot phone sex or does the man stay in bed with the hot woman for some more sex?

Looking forward to your opinions!

Oh yes, this is a completely hypothetical scenario and any resemblance to people you may know is absolutely coincidental. *snicker*.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

My Favorite Child.

Child #1? No, she's a fucking whiner today. She is currently whining at me because I won't get up and make her and her reject friends some cheese sticks.

Child #2? No, she's currently up my ass to support her in a money making endeavor. ie. garage sale, lemonade stand, a nose ring which I believe is the first step towards prostitution .. well I guess that'll make her some money. Can I be her pimp and her daddy?

Child #3? No, she is making me watch this stupid ass George Lopez "Mr. Troop Mom" movie for the 10th time since it's premier last night.

Child #4? No, she is playing the 'repeat' game. You know, the one where she repeats every single thing I say. This game is only fun if you are the one trying to be annoying.

Child #5? No. He has decided that the $400.00 race car little tikes bed that I bought him 2 years ago is no longer "cool". He would like me to dismantle it and he'd like to sleep with his mattress and box spring right on the floor. I swear to you all .. If I knew I was going to get kids who would be happy in a trailer park, I wouldn't have gone to college for so long.

Children #'s 6 & 7. Yes! My angel twins. Like every other night. Sound asleep at 7pm. Not a peep will be heard until 7am.

As I write this child #2 has decided that she not only wants me to help her make money- she now wants an everything bagel, lightly toasted with cream cheese. She is now my LEAST favorite.

Happy Father's Day!

Big Daddy

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm getting fat. I blame Target.

I've gained 4 pounds in 3 weeks. I'm 6'4 and am now 4 pounds over my 200 pound fighting weight.

I know that this is hardly a crisis, but it's disgusting all the same. I also don't think I'm going to be able to stop.

3 weeks ago I'm at Target. You'll come to know about me that I spend an odd amount of time in our local Target, I know people who work there by name and I could tell you what is on every end cap. I also know what day markdowns are done and the best way to score a free drink at their in house Starbucks. Back to 3 weeks ago. I'm browsing the bakery department because I'm in the mood for something sweet. Maybe chocolate croissants, maybe a muffin. I notice something. A package of chocolate croissants, normally 3.99 are marked 1.00. I look over my shoulder and place it in my cart like I'm totally getting away with a mismark. Lucky me! Then my son asks me for a blueberry muffin, so I look at the muffins. OMG, there is a package of them for a dollar too. Fucking score, right? I pay and leave target with 8 pastries for 2 dollars. Go me.

The next day I'm at Target bright and early because someone in my house needs thumbtacks and we need a gallon of milk. I think to myself .. Self.. go check out the bakery. So I go over there and the 400 pound Jamaican woman who works in my Target bakery ( Bev ) is standing at the pastries with a price thing in her hand. I see her putting a 1.00 sticker on a pound cake. I grab it like the greedy fucker I am. Then I say to her.. Hey Bev- she says Morning Mike! ( Seriously, Target should thank their lucky stars for me. I have 7 kids, I buy EVERYTHING that comes into my house at Target ). So I say .. Hey Bev, what's with the 1.00 pastries? She says .. oh, every morning I mark down the stuff that is sell by tomorrow, down to 1.00. My jaw drops open and I make a mental vow to beat everyone else in my town to Target every morning.

I would like to pretend that I'm going to exaggerate here, but I'm not. I go to Target just about every morning and I spend about 6 or 7 dollars on 1.00 pastries. I've had .. lemon poppyseed muffins, blueberry muffins, croissants, chocolate croissants, almost croissants ( my favorite ), pound cake, banana walnut bread, cranberry muffins, chocolate chunk cookies, apple turnovers in endless supply. My kids are carb'ed out, I am getting fat, I am ruining the environment because these pastries come in hard plastic containers- I swear to you all that I think I've had an extra can at the curb each week that must hold just the plastic from my pastry exploits.

Like any good addict I tell myself.

1. You're French, you were born to eat pastry.
2. Who cares that your kids haven't had protein in 3 weeks, it's summer break.
3. You're sexy no matter how fat you get.
4. Think of all the money you're saving.

It's time to STOP the madness! I'm going to figure out how to do that when I get home from Target.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Not for the faint of heart or PETA.

So. I'm irresponsible. We can start by saying that I have 7 children- So the concept of litters is not so horrifying to me.

That said. I'm irresponsible. I'll explain.

I have 4 dogs. One shih-tzu and three chihuahua's. My shih-tzu and my female chihuahua are not spayed. I have bred the shih-tzu and gave some puppies away and sold some. It's great fun, she is from a fine line and has gorgeous babies.

* This is where I want all of you radical, shit slinging, judgemental yahoo'ers who want to call PETA on me or just post something nasty about back yard breeders to stop fucking reading.

Ok, back to 7 kids. The only vacation I can get the most bang for my buck on is a cruise. I can rent a few cabins, throw my older girls in one, keep one for myself and the babies, and a connecting room for my not toddler, not teenaged children. My oldest child is 13 and the youngest are 2 year old twins.

As most stories in my life start this one begins with .. Papa we haven't been on a cruise in like 5 months. So. I schedule a cruise to leave on the 31 of July. Everyone is happy. ( Well I'm a tight wad so I'm not really happy, but I play along )

3 days later my shih-tzu gets swollen junk and I think .. Oh great now I have to keep her away from the boy dogs, because she's in heat. So, I spend 2 weeks keeping the dogs apart- no small task, lots of crying, whining dogs, etc etc. I'm ready to pull my hair out. So one day, June 30th to be exact, I'm sitting on my couch playing pogo ( what else would I be doing ). The babies are napping, the teenager is somewhere .. 11 year old and 9 year old are in the front yard planting marigolds. I have the shih-tzu in the front half of my house and the other dogs in the back half. So my 11 year old opens the front door and yells.. Papa, come look at our flowers! So I get up ( yea, I mumbled, I'm a good Dad but not without complaint ) and go outside. I look at the flowers. They were beautiful, really. I was outside less than a minute. I come back in the house and find my 2 pound male chihuahua mating with my shih-tzu. FUCK, right? Well yea, FUCK. When I finished laughing .. I mean come on, a 2 pound dog stuck to a 5 pound dog, the mother fucker only had one leg touching the ground, it was hysterical. I might have pictures of it. Or I might not if that's too horrifying. ( There really are pictures ). Being a man, I will say that I am no less than impressed that in under a minute that little dog was able to scale a baby gate and woo my shih-tzu into giving it up. Well done, Stud! Well it took me less than 4 minutes of picture taking and cheering to do some math .. gestation period for dogs is 60 days, today is May 30th and OH FUCK .. we are leaving on a cruise on day 60. Well fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I have a few options. I can pay Phat Mama 200 dollars a day to come to Florida and dog sit- but she so kindly told me "I don't know nothing about birthing no puppies". Oh well .. Cruise canceled. Children paid off with a visit to Rue21. Boy child paid off with a visit to Game Stop. Norwegian Cruise Lines keeps 200 dollar deposit per cabin.

*AGAIN .. I warn you- If I've already offended you with my dog exploits .. STOP READING, it only gets worse.

Fast Foward to this morning.

10am. I get home from a 24 hour shift. I'm tired ( let's pretend that I didn't sleep for 8 hours of my 24 hour shift ). I walk in the door and all I hear is are my male chihuahua's whining, my kids are blissfully silent. I come in and figure out why, all sleeping- except the twins who are happy and playing. So, I let the shih-tzu and the female chihuahua out in the yard to have a piss. The dogs are all unhappy because the female chihuahua is in heat and the boys are pissy about being in their cages all the time. So while the girls are in the yard, I let the boys out of their crates and let them onto the lanai. Welllll.. Papa dumbass didn't lock the doggy door so fast as lightening my studly 2 pound chihuahua goes out the door and I swear to you, nails my female in less than 20 seconds. OH FUCK. Now, as these things go this is not the worst thing in the world. Female is 2 years old, never been bred- both dogs are healthy and have full AKC papers. What is horrible about this story is this .. *STOP READING IF YOU'RE OFFENDED. As soon as stud dog pumps into her .. she starts SCREAMING. I am not talking whining. I am not talking complaints. I am talking full on loud ass screaming- horrible keening wails. It is so bad that my teenager and my 11yo come stumbling out of the house to see what's wrong. My neighbor yelled over the fence to see if I needed help with something. It's horrible, heartbreaking and I might never recover. So I run out into the yard and skid to a stop like a baseball player on my knees ( Fucking uniform, ruined ). I gather both chihuahua's on my lap and put my face to my females and just keep repeating. .. you're ok baby, you're ok baby .. while she continues to wail. Oh my fucking GOD.. Horrible. 22 minutes later, they break apart- he flies off my lap because it's clear there will be no high five for him this time and she runs over to her water dish and drinks like she's been in the sahara. I stumble into the house to call the vet while yelling to my 13yo to put the boys in their crates.

I say to the vet. Look- I think she's hurt, I don't know what's wrong- my shih-tzu offers herself up and has never uttered a sound during mating. He chuckled at me and said to me. WOW, you think that was bad, wait and see how bad she wails in 60 days. OH FUCK. Then he goes on to tell me that she'll need a sonogram in 45 days to see how many there are, to see how big their heads are, to check her cervix. She has already had her eyes checked, her knees checked, etc ..

Ok. Long ass story short. I am irresponsible. I have two litters of puppies coming and they have already cost me $600.00. Now we are talking, 2 dog sonograms, followup care, office visits, maybe a c-section for the chihuahua .. I figure that these two litters are going to cost me around 2 grand.

Anyone want a puppy?

Saturday, June 13, 2009

What happens after "Papa can I go to the movies?"

My oldest child is a 13 year old girl. Soon to be 14. Soon to be tied up in her room. Having been graduated from middle school on the 4th of June she is now empowered with the "but it's summer" manipulation tactic. Every day since the 4th of June has been filled with can so and so sleep over, can I go here, can I do this, can I do that. Yesterday was no exception.

8am. I wake up, bleary eyed and pissy because 13 year old has a friend over so I can't be walking around in my boxers and scratching my nuts as I love to do in the morning.
8:03am. I hear giggling coming from 13 year old's room. I knock and say. "Wow, you girls are up early. Take the dogs out."
13yo "OMG ( she actually said OMG, not the words ) it's MORNING?"
me "That's generally what the sun streaming into your window means."
13yo "WTF ( again actually said WTF, not the words ) I better get some sleep!"

8:05. I take the fucking dogs out myself.

Life, Life, Life, other kids, Life Life Life

2pm. 13yo and her friend wake up, shuffle out, grab snacks, disappear. For the next 2 hours I hear showers running, laughing etc etc.

4:02. Doorbell. Dogs going fucking batshit because some asshole rang my doorbell, I swear that I'm going to disconnect that mother fucking thing. I go to open the door and like a shot of lightening 13yo's friend darts ahead of me and leaves. Great, I didn't have to make nice with anyones parents.

4:03. I go back to my couch, get back into my pogo game.

4:04. Doorbell. Are you fucking kidding me? Did that little bitch forget something? Who rings the doorbell anyway? *Dogs going batshit again*. I open the door- a different friend of my 13yo saunters in. Oh fuck. Here we go again.

4:05. I sit back down and think to myself.. Christ, I hope that my future slut doesn't plan her men the way she plans her friends. One out the door, one in. Don't all decent girls at least plan a bath between?

Life, other kids, life, other kids, life, life, life.

13yo. Papa will you take us to the movies?
Me. Sure, I have nothing better to do with 30 bucks and 3 hours of my life.
13yo. Great, we'll be ready in 2 minutes.

8:40. I'm still sitting in the van waiting ( Yes I said van ). Out they come, looking like baby hookers. On the way there I say .. So when is the movie over? 13yo says. I don't know. Greattttt.

9pm. Home. Consulting Fandango to figure out movie end time. Starts at 9, runs 1hour 20 minutes. Mental note to be in the parking lot at 10:10 so I can catch her being bad if she's being bad.

10:10. I arrive at the movies with my 11yo riding shotgun. We park in the lot with a perfect view of the front of the theatre. Lo and behold my 13yo and her friend are already out front goofing off with what looks to be about 20 other people. So I do a mental calculation and start to wonder if my child ditched the movie and just decided to hang, in which case she is grounded AND I want my 30 bucks back.

10:11. I send her a text message
What time is it over?
10:14. Another text.
10:14. She replies

oh really? She doesn't know? That's funny because I'm watching her standing in front of the movies laughing and having fun with some boys arm around her. I fume, but continue to spy.

10:16 I text.
Is it almost over?
10:17 she replies.
Yea, almost.

wow, she's good.

10:17 I text again. Now my 11yo is laughing her ass off ( and taking notes ).
So, who are you sitting next to right now?

I should mention that my 13yo is not the sharpest crayon in the box.

10:17 she replies
uhm.. sarah and brandon?

10:17 I text
oh ok, call me as soon as it gets out.
10:17 she replies

I sit in my car and I watch my little liar and her friends start to walk away from the movies and go into the dollar store. Then I watch them come out and start goofing off in the gazebo.

10:32 I text
Man, that's a long movie, it should've been out like 30 minutes ago.
10:32 she replies
We are just walking out right now
10:33 I text
10:33 she replies
10:33 I roll out of my parking spot and go around the corner to where her and her friends are hanging- her friend sees me first and the look on her face is priceless. I should've snapped a pic of it for her dad. Then my little liar sees me and smiles big and waves like she isn't the hugest little liar in the world and gets in my car. Still completely oblivious to being so completely busted.

10:45 We get home, my little liar and her friend retire to their lair and my 11 yo says to me. "Papa why didn't you yell at her, tell her she was busted, ground her?" She looks at me- she is completely baffled.. and I say .. "babygirl, I learned a long time ago to pick my battles."