Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm getting fat. I blame Target.

I've gained 4 pounds in 3 weeks. I'm 6'4 and am now 4 pounds over my 200 pound fighting weight.

I know that this is hardly a crisis, but it's disgusting all the same. I also don't think I'm going to be able to stop.

3 weeks ago I'm at Target. You'll come to know about me that I spend an odd amount of time in our local Target, I know people who work there by name and I could tell you what is on every end cap. I also know what day markdowns are done and the best way to score a free drink at their in house Starbucks. Back to 3 weeks ago. I'm browsing the bakery department because I'm in the mood for something sweet. Maybe chocolate croissants, maybe a muffin. I notice something. A package of chocolate croissants, normally 3.99 are marked 1.00. I look over my shoulder and place it in my cart like I'm totally getting away with a mismark. Lucky me! Then my son asks me for a blueberry muffin, so I look at the muffins. OMG, there is a package of them for a dollar too. Fucking score, right? I pay and leave target with 8 pastries for 2 dollars. Go me.

The next day I'm at Target bright and early because someone in my house needs thumbtacks and we need a gallon of milk. I think to myself .. Self.. go check out the bakery. So I go over there and the 400 pound Jamaican woman who works in my Target bakery ( Bev ) is standing at the pastries with a price thing in her hand. I see her putting a 1.00 sticker on a pound cake. I grab it like the greedy fucker I am. Then I say to her.. Hey Bev- she says Morning Mike! ( Seriously, Target should thank their lucky stars for me. I have 7 kids, I buy EVERYTHING that comes into my house at Target ). So I say .. Hey Bev, what's with the 1.00 pastries? She says .. oh, every morning I mark down the stuff that is sell by tomorrow, down to 1.00. My jaw drops open and I make a mental vow to beat everyone else in my town to Target every morning.

I would like to pretend that I'm going to exaggerate here, but I'm not. I go to Target just about every morning and I spend about 6 or 7 dollars on 1.00 pastries. I've had .. lemon poppyseed muffins, blueberry muffins, croissants, chocolate croissants, almost croissants ( my favorite ), pound cake, banana walnut bread, cranberry muffins, chocolate chunk cookies, apple turnovers in endless supply. My kids are carb'ed out, I am getting fat, I am ruining the environment because these pastries come in hard plastic containers- I swear to you all that I think I've had an extra can at the curb each week that must hold just the plastic from my pastry exploits.

Like any good addict I tell myself.

1. You're French, you were born to eat pastry.
2. Who cares that your kids haven't had protein in 3 weeks, it's summer break.
3. You're sexy no matter how fat you get.
4. Think of all the money you're saving.

It's time to STOP the madness! I'm going to figure out how to do that when I get home from Target.


  1. That's hilarious. It's such a woman thing to do...justify food intake. My list is almost identical, but it's more for my Chick-fil-A habit than pastries/sweets. They didn't invent the chicken...just the chicken sandwich.

  2. at least you're getting some fruit in your diet! ;)

  3. The sooner you eat it all, the sooner it will be out of your house (and of Target) and you can start the healthful living.

  4. I got kicked off my AIM again... =(
    Good morning anyway.

  5. Your AIM sucks my sweaty nuts.

  6. EW! Gross! No wonder it refuses to work!

  7. lol. I have a new thing on my blog...like an IM sort of. My C box. Isn't that clever? YOU come play with ME.


Leave me words. My ego loves it.